Anxiety, being slow

and edging back to this space.

It’s been a while. I was sad but now I’m ready to begin edging back to this space and all my writing places.

This week I went to see For Black Boys Who Have Considered Suicide when the Hue Gets Too Heavy and well, going to the theatre in central London still fills me anxiety. I simply don’t want to see any of my former colleagues, I have nothing nice to say to them and know I can only answer ‘how are you?’ honestly, with my whole chest, which given my NDA is a problem. We all know where there is an NDA there is a story people with power don’t want telling.

Image: Nouveau Riche

Somewhere in a therapy session last year I accepted recovering from my personal redundancy experience was going to be a longer process than I first expected or understood, even though I have a new role now which I absolutely love, the hurt I still feel is triggering at times and I now know both emotions can exist at the same time. While I don’t cry every day anymore, I accept it will be a cold day in hell before I go back to the nations theatre, why would you return to a place where you were hurt? I don’t want to see anyone I worked with before. To be fair they probably don’t want to see me either, so win win.

Returning to things that made me happy has been a gradual process, I was very much at sea, unanchored and waiting to enjoy the sunshine again. I guess sending this newsletter today means my sky is blue again, physically and emotionally and the past is now in that rear view mirror rather than me sitting idling in the middle of it. I’m not yet excited for my future, beyond a trip planned for April, mostly because I can’t imagine what the future is. Not having a plan is strange and uncomfortable for me. I’ve always made incremental steps towards what I want. Now, I’m in a new space that I don’t know the social codes for or how to navigate, yet. I know I make good decisions so know I can trust myself, but that’s all I’ve got and its not a space or a feeling I want to get used to. I like structure, reliability and knowing what to expect on a journey. I’m that person who looks up a new place on google maps so I know what my destination will look like when I get there.

I had dinner with a friend this week, she told me her career plans, what she wants to do next and her options to get there within a couple of years. She’s excited and looking forward to exploring her pathways. I’m obviously glad my previous hard work has got me a job I’m good at and which gives me the opportunity to make a positive difference and I’m totally enjoying it. However it’s emotionally limiting not having any idea what may happen next - the where do you want to be in five years time question.

I have no flipping idea.

I’m sure for some people this emotional space is an absolute gift and a happy place, I am not that person so I’m on a slow journey forward and I’m happy to be on it, no longer treading water. I am also happy I’ve found my writing self again, not being able to write freely was horrible, I can’t hide sadness or fake joy. Everything I wrote in that headspace just made me cry, fine if you like being miserable but I really don’t, there are enough things to be sad about in the world, I don’t need doom and anger on my own page too. Hopefully those notes will be useful one day when I want to write something really really depressing.

Oh and I started a masters because life is short and curve balls land when you don’t expect them and the Black British Literature MA was something I’ve wanted to do for ages and it’s brilliant. I’m having a good time reading lots and lots of books, thankfully in a very ordered and structured way and I’m reminded of the importance of having unrepresented voices take up space. Our voices disappear because there is no capacity for us to stay in spaces that require security; physical, financial and emotional, to produce your best work.

Staying here, for now, xox